


Like Breathing Was Easy

by kitsunechikyu



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Coda, Crying, Episode: s01e09, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Lukas has a panic attack and Philip comforts him, M/M, Missing Scene, Panic Attacks, basically what happened between the first and second scene in the maternity ward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8882077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsunechikyu/pseuds/kitsunechikyu
Summary: Lukas has been outed to everyone he cares about, and he isn't dealing with it very well. (Or the one where Lukas has a panic attack after being accused of being the only one not okay with his sexuality and Philip helps to calm him down).





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is another little Eyewitness coda fic. It takes place during episode nine, when Philip and Lukas are sitting in the maternity ward. I'm gonna put it in a collection with my other one, but it doesn't quite follow the same storyline, so it should probably be read independently from it. I know it's quite a bit shorter than last time, but I hope you guys still like it! 
> 
> \- Em

_“No, Lukas. The only one not okay with it is you.”_

 

 

The sentence hits Lukas like a punch to the gut, knocking all the air from his lungs. It stings, sharp and awful, like the lick of a whip against his skin; hurts all the more because he knows it’s true. He’s spent the better half of two months convincing himself that people finding out about him and Philip would be the end of the world and that everyone would hate him, but he is starting to think that maybe he just hates himself. Hell, he can’t even say the word ‘ _gay_ ’ unless he’s throwing it around like an insult. 

 

Tears have been streaming down Lukas’ face for a good fifteen minutes already, but Philip’s accusation causes them to tumble with renewed vigour. He suddenly feels like he can’t breathe. The room is suffocating; there isn’t enough space and the walls seem to be getting closer and closer, collapsing in on him. Lukas’ chest heaves erratically, causing his stitches to pull uncomfortably. Belatedly, he registers that Philip is calling his name, but the other boy’s voice seems distorted and far away, sort of like its being drowned under water. All Lukas can think about is his dad’s face, anger and disappointment spread across his features. He can practically hear the harsh words being thrown in his direction, feel the rough hands coming down, see the elder man walking out the door. Leaving him behind. 

 

It’s all too much. The killer is lurking somewhere just outside their field of vision, waiting to pounce. His dad is gone and Philip is looking right through him, straight into the deep, dark, oozing pit of self-loathing that he has tried so hard to hide. Everything is falling apart around him, and he doesn’t know how to hold it together.

 

Lukas is vaguely aware of Philip’s hands coming up to hold his face, but his vision is blurred and he still can’t seem to suck up enough air. He feels the brunet’s fingers stroking his hair, breath ghosting across his wet cheeks as he speaks softly.

 

“Lukas, hey come on. Breathe,” he says.

 

The blond just shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. He can’t.

 

Philip takes one of Lukas’ hands and presses the palm of it to his chest, slowly letting it rise and fall.

 

“Here, breathe with me. In and out.”

 

Lukas focuses as best he can on the other boy’s movements, trying desperately to sync up his breathing. Gradually, his inhales become steadier and his mind starts to go blank. After a few moments, he settles, tears still clinging to his eyelashes. Philip stays holding his hand, rubbing small circles on the back of it.

 

“You’re okay,” he soothes.

 

“No I’m not,” Lukas says. “Everything is so fucked up. _I’m_ so fucked up.”

 

He whispers the last part, closing his eyes again. He feels heavy and all at once exhausted. Philip scoots closer so that he’s sitting right in front of him and places their foreheads together. 

 

“Lukas, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- I get this isn’t easy for you,” he tries, rubbing their noses gently against one another.

 

Silence engulfs the two boys. They stay in each other’s space, vulnerable and quiet, neither of them knowing what to say to make it better.

 

“I want to be okay with it,” Lukas finally says, voice raspy from crying. 

 

He looks at Philip with pleading eyes. _Please understand,_ he thinks. _I love you. Please understand._

 

“I know,” Philip sighs. He runs his thumb over the blond’s cheekbone. “It’ll be alright. We’re alright.”

 

It isn’t enough. They both know it isn’t enough. Lukas desperately wants to be able to be strong for the boy in front of him, to be brave and deserving of that kind of reassurance. But the world is still crashing and burning at their feet and he’s just so tired. Philip gives him a chaste kiss, not entirely sure whether or not the setting is too public and will therefore be rejected. Lukas chases his mouth, hoping to reassure him and presses a soft but firm one to his lips in return. Philip quirks a small smile.

 

“Let’s get you laying down. You need to rest,” he says.

 

“Trying to get me into bed already? Geez, Philip, calm down. I only just woke up,” Lukas teases back.

 

Philip rolls his eyes, but gives him another gentle peck.

 

“Shut up and get on gurney, Waldenbeck.”

 

 


End file.
